RAPPORT & EMPATHY
HOW DO WE BUILD EMPATHY?
Empathy is highly related to rapport. We saw the importance of connecting to others in order to convey the message we want them to understand. For instance, there are three types of people and we should be aware of that in order to adequate our words and communication to them. It is not the same talking to a little child, to your teacher or to a friend.
Besides, building empathy is really about doing lots of little and important things well. This can be mainly sumarize in three things:
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Really look at the OTHER PERSON´S BODY LANGUAGE and then incorporate some or all of what you are noticing into your own body language.
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This will allow you to gain information about their physical state and hence their state of mind.
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Specifically look at their posture, their eye contact/movements, their facial expression and breathing. You can then start to become aware of their voice; the tone, pace, pitch, volume.
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This helps to really get a sense of what it is like for them and even more importantly they will see that you really understand them.
2. Pay attention to what LANGUAGE they are using and if any WORDS ARE REPEATED OFTEN, indicating they are important.
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One of the simplest ways to show you understand someone is by occasionally repeating certain words they are using. By doing this you are also then more conscious about what is important to them.
3. You can even ACT AS IF YOU HAVE THEIR SAME BELIEFS
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So for instance if someone says “I just can’t do anything about this situation” RATHER THAN CONSOLING THEM give yourself a moment to imagine what that feels like for them to have that belief and you will then be in a better position to respond with something appropriate.
MUCH RESEARCH HAS BEEN DONE INTO THE WAY WE COMMUNICATE AND THE IMPORTANCE OF NON-VERBAL MESSAGES. Researches have concluded that:
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7% of what we transmit comes from the WORDS we use.
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38% – the WAY we say them –tone, volume etc…
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55% –NON VERBAL SIGNALS - posture, gestures etc…
So 93% of your ability to communicate what you are trying to say is COMING FROM THINGS APART FROM THE WORDS YOU USE. So if our non verbal communication is not congruent with the words we are using it is unsurprising that we might not be understood based on the words we use.
This shows how important it is to focus on non verbal signals when we want to understand someone and just as importantly using them in the way we respond.
Did you know...?
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Your MIND will need to be completely focused on the person you are listening to NOT on what you might say next, nor on tomorrows’ problems.
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Your EYES will be collecting lots of information about the person you are talking to, from their clothes to their emotional state and your gaze will stay with them not wander about the room.
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Your EARS will be busy not just hearing the words, but also the tone of voice, hesitancy and everything about the way something is said.
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Your MOUTH will generally be shut, opening occasionally to offer some encouraging words to show you understand.
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Your BODY will reflect the posture of the person who is talking. If they are sitting then it’s not nice to stand over them. If they are relaxed and laid back, so will you be. It’s not about mimicking them but matching their style, so they can see you are in tune with them. Equally if they are looking nervous and being twitchy you should also match that to a subtle degree. So if they are moving around and tapping their fingers you could move around and tap your feet sporadically, being aware that when they calm down so should you.
Although this may all sound rather prescriptive and forced it is something that you can just try elements of to begin with. Or simply notice what you can observe that you haven’t done before. To become an expert at building rapport the next step is to learn more about the language and words we use and how we can use them to maximum effect, to then lead someone along with us and allow them to see things from our perspective.
Some pointers
